Well-cast foes featuring stark distinctions in background, presentation, personality and policy, Sens. John McCain and Barack Obama are about to engage in a presidential campaign unlike any we’ve seen before.

George W. Bush and John Kerry had their differences, sure. But either way, we were guaranteed a Yale graduate and Skull & Bones member. This year’s Republican and Democratic contenders couldn’t be any less alike.

Over the next five months, McCain and Obama will spar frequently and campaign relentlessly as they seek votes of undecided Americans.

Debating economic policy, civil liberties, foreign policy views and whether or not the other is capable of keeping us safe and representing us around the world, each will offer many important reasons for you to support them.

Below, we will do no such thing.

But we’ve broken down the two candidates in the upcoming general election just the same, measuring strictly in terms of popular culture impact …

COOL SUPPORTERS

Barack Obama: will.i.am, Warren Buffett, George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Ellen Pompeo, Jessica Biel, Sidney Poitier, Samuel L. Jackson, etc., etc., etc.
John McCain: [withdraws name from ballot in this race]
Edge: Obama

NOT-COOL SUPPORTERS

Barack Obama: Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers
John McCain: Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt
Edge: McCain

BIGGEST YOUTUBE FANS

Barack Obama: Obama Girl
John McCain: McCain Girls
Edge: Obama

DAUGHTERS’ HOBBIES

Barack Obama: Riding bikes, dance recitals
John McCain: Blogging from campaign trail
Edge: McCain

WIFE’S PHOTOS IN VOGUE

Barack Obama: Elegant Michelle Obama
John McCain: Casual Cindy McCain
Edge: Even

IS CASH …

Barack Obama: … from outside on the basketball court
John McCain: … -ing in on his pension already!
Edge: Obama

BEST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE MOMENT

Barack Obama: Poking fun at Hillary Clinton
John McCain: In a faux-policy speech, touted his credentials as a fiscal conservative by saying 15 percent of Arizonans get drinking water from cactus; Later promised greater government “gaydar” funding
Edge: McCain

FAMOUS INITIALS LIKENED TO

Barack Obama: JFK, RFK, MLK
John McCain: W
Edge: Obama

BORN THE SAME YEAR AS …

Barack Obama: George Clooney, Eddie Murphy, Michael J. Fox, Wayne Gretzky
John McCain: Trilobites, Mammoths, Pterodactyls
Edge: Obama (more living contemporaries)

MOST SHAMEFUL ERA LIVED THROUGH

Barack Obama: Steroid era in baseball
John McCain: Paleozoic
Edge: McCain (we were all complicit in turning a blind eye to the juiced ball era, whereas the dinosaurs dying off remains a mystery)

THE VERDICT: John McCain hung tough, despite a bevy of jokes about his age, but Barack Obama prevails, 5.5-4.5. We can expect the real election to be equally tight… with slightly higher stakes and fewer wise cracks.